Matthew 16:24-26, Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

I slid the dull worn key into the shadow of the lock, satisfied when I heard the click from within the door. As I looked upon the doorway, a truth worked itself through my head: we lock our doors, our windows, our souls, and lock our hearts all in the name of security. We lock in order to keep away but all we manage to keep away is ourselves from experiencing the freedoms given so graciously in Christ.

In an awkward yet miraculous way that only The Lord could ordain, the ability to fulfill a task of obedience was placed in my path. My fickle obedience began when I acknowledged the task and stepped out- willing to feel foolish- while trusting that The Lord would hold up His end of the bargain.

What I felt The Lord was asking of me was a burden that threatened to suffocate my soul for I did not wish to do it. In the middle the night when The Lord’s Spirit was nudging me, I pleaded for Him to take the cup from my hands. I struggled to accept His will for my life.

It was the process of grief that swept itself over my soul this past month of my life.

If you know my personal story of being a fatherless daughter, my testimony, and followed my wayward ramblings during the time I dedicated one year of my life to writing about my Moses Moments and seeking God’s presence every day, then you will know it was in order to fulfill His promise from Romans 8:28, And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

The past two years of my life have been a whirlwind of sorts; an emotional storm. And it is just like God’s character to show me that there is always another leg of the race to run when you are tempted to believe that you are nearing the finish line.

It is just like God’s character to call us to obedience and submission in order to work all things together. All things. Even icky things, hard things, even heart-breaking things. And, to me, it was just like God’s character to allow a seemingly insignificant tidbit of information to fall upon my ears, then keep me on spiritual edge for three days until I acknowledged His presence.

Beloved, it is time to reach out to your Father.

After nearly twenty five years of not knowing his whereabouts, a most random occurrence led to a gossipy whisper of where I could apparently find him.

Now Lord? Now?

Yes, now Beloved. Now.

Kingdom Calendar.

So, this wayward child has struggled for several weeks knowing that the last few chains were about to fall off. The Lord knows forgiveness was granted so very long ago… but my earthly Father does not know that. And today was the day I promised to follow the trail to his whereabouts in order to write a letter. I knelt upon the the floor beside my bed and wept. I unleashed all that has burdened me for the last few months of my life. I felt emotionally and spiritually spent, and so completely alone.

My prayer this day was for The Lord to go before me. The instantaneous settling of words in my heart were that He already had. I have felt His peace that I may go forward with no expectations, no return address. He knows the desires of my heart and I believe He will honour them. Just truths and loveliness are to be inked across the page.The awkward and miraculous was the phone call from a complete stranger offering up the answer that I needed.

Yes, beloved child, obedience is a fickle thing. As I conclude this 31 day journey, may I remind you that the journey never ends. This one has come to a bend in the winding road and I am just rounding out to another path. Like the process of making rich oil from the rough, hard olives of the olive tree, this journey was my pressing. This journey was difficult and rough. But in order to extract the purest and most valuable of oil from my soul, I needed the harsh winds from the desert, and the soft spiritual rains from the sea.

And these are the purest, most valuable lessons that settled into my wayward soul. May I remind us both of the burning bushes I encountered this past month of my journey:

Gratefulness is a choice.
Our commonality is a God who loves us.
The pressing has great purpose.
We are hope-chasers.
The greater our discipline, the less burdensome we become.
The Lord deserves our first-fruits.
Standing in vulnerability gives others the freedom to partake of the fruit.
The emotional storms will come and go.
God can take our negative and turn it into a positive.
Even the little things matter.
We will become satisfied with the bounty from The Lord’s banquet table- not our own.
What we have does not change who God is.
His purpose is greater than our pain.
Christ desires to set us free from ourselves.
Only the promises of God are reliable.
No two of us are alike. And that is just the way it is supposed to be.
Doing the Lord’s work does not just mean using our voice, but using our hands.
We must seek the wonder in each messy moment.
We must serve Him in the waiting.
We must be willing to walk in the spiritual rain.
Spiritual eyes gives us wisdom and knowledge.
Sometimes knowing that He knows is all that matters.
We have a covenant with Christ.
Being obedient and willing to shed your soul is when He sweeps in and steals the show.
Jesus can fill us to the point of overflowing where the simply isn’t room for rejection.
Jesus ran the race and won. We must press on.
The Lord rejoices in every opportunity to fill us with more of His Holy Spirit.
We are not an island unto ourselves. We must labour together.
In submission we are led by the cycle of the Holy Spirit in order to make our righteousness complete.
We will one day stand before the throne of God and there will be no but’s allowed.

Father, I love you. I desperately, wholeheartedly love you. Though there is pain in the offering, my tears are overflowing, and this cross strapped upon my back is threatening to topple me over, the joy of The Lord is my strength. Amen.

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