I walked through the front door long after the sun had begun to set and the street lights had started to burn illuminating the road. After setting my coat aside I went about finishing a few things I had left undone. I had made the assumption my children were tucked in for the night for the house was calm and quiet.

And I was right. On one account. Our youngest lay snoring while tangled in her blankets. But I was greeted by an outpouring of tears by her older sister who had apparently been waiting for me to find her. She lamented her anger that I failed to uphold some lofty expectation she had in her head. The anger and tears told me that her expectation wasn’t in her head but hidden in her heart.

I apologized for not remembering the promise I apparently made in haste. I asked for forgiveness for disappointing my daughter. I turned the other cheek when she brought up her grievance once, twice, three times to my face crying all over again. And then I took the opportunity to teach my child what forgiveness and letting go actually meant.

After over ten years of serving, leading, and teaching in women’s ministry, I have come to recognize one of the greatest battles we face in our humanity when it comes to relationships. I have come to recognize them simply because I have battled them over and over again. And now I am a passionate advocate of sorts for seeing the truth as to why so many struggle like I did. For understanding why so many marriages fall apart, people feel scorned, many suffer incredible burnout, and friendship breakups have become an actual thing.

Unmet expectations. And they’re the secret silent killer of the soul.

I learned long ago by trial and error not to put expectations upon the shoulders of someone that I wouldn’t want someone to put upon me. I am not very good at spinning too many plates in life and, truth be told, I have dropped and broken quite a few. While standing amidst the crushed and broken rubble, I came to identify three specific reasons why expectations have the ability to be fatal: We think others think as we do, we really have ulterior motives, and we suffer from insecurity and a fear of change.

Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you.
James 4:1

What is so sneaky about these reasons is that they are often hidden from our view by an enemy that desires to keep us in slavery to our emotions. If he can keep us in bondage to them, he can spin and weave his tales of lies causing us to withhold forgiveness by not letting go of our grievance.

But to forgive isn’t to simply forget. To forgive is to set aside our expectations owning up to our actions by not dragging up the past airing our grievances in the faces of those who hurt us. It is to let go of what we thought by meditating on God’s truth. And it is to understand that the only One who has the ability to meet every expectation, fulfill every promise, and banish every insecurity and fear, is Christ Himself.

Father, failure is a part of life and I know that there exists no person that is able to fulfill every expectation of the heart and soul. May I always remember that only Jesus can fill me from the inside out helping to set aside every grievance so that not only may I walk in freedom, but allow others to walk in freedom as well. In Jesus name, amen.