1 Peter 1:22, Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart

As the numbers on the digital clock ticked by and the hours continued to grow later, I struggled to find rest. Though I greatly desired to slip into a deep slumber, my mind would not shut down and my soul would not shut itself off.

My soul- my mind and emotions- began to whirl itself into a storm of sorts. There were no overbearing waves nor fears of drowning, but the darkest hours of the dawn are not the best times to reason something out between your head and your heart.

Sometimes when one is asked to step out in obedience, the emotions that come forth are akin to the five stages of grief as documented in the Kübler-Ross model: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The good Lord is aware of each and every one of them. And, in my experience, He tends to sit in silence as I work through them.

In vulnerability I searched my heart, struggling with moments of denial. I then became slightly angry that The Lord would ask such of thing of me. Sure, bargaining slid its way into the conversation between my wayward heart and His throne.

Then I cried. And cried again. Not the wailing ugly cry, but the subtle silent tears that were easily hidden from the curious minds of my children. I have yet to make it to stage five.

The more I ponder the why’s, the greater His impression upon my heart. The greater and slightly louder He speaks for He knows that I am listening. Even if we do not like what He has to say, we cannot deny that we hear Him when our hearts begin to beat faster and we would rather do anything else than be obedient to His call.

Yes, our Heavenly Father loves us more than we could ever put into fancy words or feelings. His love is action- and action is what He desires to take when He graciously allows us to work out our faith. Vulnerability is what He needs in order to give us the strength to put one foot in front of the other- or pen to paper in some cases.

Often the answers we seek do not come to us immediately, but we can rest assured that the answers we need will come eventually. Though The Lord was pressing into my spirit continually this day, softly whispering to my heart that He would not set me up for failure, I witnessed Him in action in my life when I read the words of one of the wisest men I know:

“Go slow. Don’t pour… drip.”

Whatever it is that He may be asking us to do, no matter how far He may be asking us to run, no matter our fears or failures, know that His purpose is greater than our pain.

Father, help us to know that no matter the outcome, everything is in your control when we are guided by your spirit and not by our emotions. Solidify in our hearts your truths. And no matter the cost, may we always remember that you have already paid the greatest price for our freedom. Amen.

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