2 Corinthians 12:10, For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My eyes were open and my mind racing, but I yearned for sleep to come. I curled up underneath the covers and allowed my tired mind to wander.

Though my body took in the air around me with no trouble at all, my spirit was struggling to breathe.

I recognized the walls around me- the grassy mounds of black earth and dirt that had erected themselves in order to close me in. Though my body was curled underneath the covers, in my mind I could see myself curled up into waves of grass blowing in steady rhythm with the noisy wind.

I am in the valley.

I was feeling a little lost and slightly overwhelmed. I was feeling incapable and fearful. I was feeling too much all the while knowing that my feelings are never accurate. But they are my feelings and sometimes it’s easy to believe the lie that they are all you’ve got to rely upon.

I have had a few weeks of rest but I am gearing up for a busy fall season. With speaking commitments and travel coming upon our little family once again, I find myself trying to mentally prepare while attempting to write words and prepare speaking notes that will allow God’s Spirit to move the hearts of His beloved children. I am currently prepping for one particular event, a large women’s conference coming up next month, where I have been invited back again this year to teach a seminar on joy.

Joy in its purest form. God breathed joy.

Oh, the irony for this is the very joy I seem to have misplaced. In my failure I allowed the enemy of my soul to steal it when I wasn’t paying attention. And while I have been busy searching for my joy, the enemy of my soul decided to challenge my faith as well. He thought it would be a good idea to throw a little fear my way in order to put my trust in the line of fire as well.

So, there I lay curled up tight and safely hidden within the blades of grass.

I have questioned my calling. I have questioned my purpose. My heart has bled for those who are being persecuted this very moment. I have been ashamed to lament my first-world problems. I feel like I have failed as a parent when I hear my children whine about their first-world problems.

I opened my mouth in frustration and asked The Lord why He even cares about my insignificant worries and selfish thoughts. He answered me by letting my spirit know that He cares how I react to my problems. I knew this piece of information but apparently I needed to be reminded.

I have been feeling weak. But of course I am feeling weak! The Joy of The Lord is my strength.

In my weakness, I continue to lament, “Why Lord? Where has my trust gone?”

And then He took my mind backwards like when you hit the rewind button on a VCR. Slow. Bumpy. But you get back the beginning none the less.

A few weeks ago I was travelling home from a conference in North Carolina. After a short layover in Boston, I was again snuggled into my seat ready to make the final leg of the journey home. The plane had made its way down the runway ready for takeoff when we stopped abruptly. The pilot came on the overhead speakers to let us know there would be a short delay.

We were informed that a passenger had discovered a bullet on the floor of the plane.

We were told that security was descending upon the plane and if the artifact was indeed a bullet, the plane would be evacuated and searched. The pilot spoke with such jaunty and friendly tone that I wasn’t sure if he was serious.

But in the moment, no one moved. There was as pause as every mind on that plane pondered the same question:

Is the shooter on this plane going to show their face now?

Security swept in with all their fanfare and everyone sat in silence until the pilot came back onto the sound system to declare that we were free to once again taxi down the runway. I settled back into my seat and picked up my bible to study for the hour long flight. After we had touched down and everyone was moving to gather their things, I could hear the pilot speaking to passengers as they made their way through the cockpit and out the door. He was standing at the doorway with his phone. He had taken a picture of the bullet and was showing it to us as we left in order to let us know what had transpired.

Apparently it was a bullet that someone had fashioned into a piece of jewelry and lost while on the plane. It was deemed non-threatening by security so we were freed to go.

What we thought to be life altering was not what it appeared to be. In my experience, that often happens in life- things are not necessarily as they appear to the naked eye. I thought afterwards that maybe the pilot should not have said anything at all so that we may not have been afraid or fearful. Perhaps he should have remained silent until there was something worthwhile to say.

Perhaps that is exactly what The Lord does. He allows the silence and the valley wandering so that we must learn to lean on Him and not take our eyes of off the burning bush in anticipation of His direction and word. If I am not paying attention, I will not hear Him.

My mind then went forward to the passage of scripture I had been studying:

He shall speak words against the Most High,
and shall wear out the saints of the Most High,
and shall think to change the times and the law;
and they shall be given into his hand
for a time, times, and half a time.
-Daniel 7:25

Daniel is interpreting his dream and vision of the last days. He is speaking of a most terrifying image: the enemy of our souls.

Loud and clear the words literally leapt from the onion-skinned paper into my heart. The enemy- my enemy- is trying his very best to wear me out. Oh, praise Jesus! My notes have begun to write themselves.

I am still wandering, but I have risen myself up from the grassy floor. As I lift my head to the sky, my heart skips a beat. Forgive me my sin Father, forgive me my transgressions. I praise you Jesus and I thank you for now I see a mountain in the distance.

Father, we are your beloved. We are your children… and we are tired of allowing the enemy to wear us out and wear us through, having us believe that we have nothing to offer by questioning our purposes in your kingdom. Resurrect these dry bones Lord and fill us with your living water.

Refresh our souls for it is there where we will find our joy. It is there we will find our strength in you.